Less than a day we’ll move on to 2019.
I’ve been blessed with many things this year. Tbh, not many goals were achieved bc apparently I only going with the flow. Recently, I had talk with my friend. We talk about things. Long story short, I opened up my insecurities to her.
I’m glad that we had talk. Although, I’m not sure whether it was the right time to talk bout that thing. I’ve been wondering this thing since I’m turning 20. Which of me that is me. I’m sure that each of us ever thought bout it.
I feel like I’ve been living as people pleaser. Trying hard to put up a good facade to everyone. Frankly said, I feel so fake at time. As I seriously thought bout it, I don’t really feel anything. Whether when I’m being nice or being ignorant. I think I have good temper. Hm, dense and ignorant. That might cause me to hardly got annoyed.
But idky I feel empty. Deep down inside I DO want to be nice to everyone. It’s endearing to see people feels that at least there is someone who’s nice to them. Wow, I might just realize something incredible while writing this post lol.
Despite all those complicated thought, I think that my confusion is normal. We sure are aging, we’re growing up. We might feels weird as why do we act differently at times. It’s like we act based on what setting we were in. It’s normal. Although, I’m aware that it takes time to find out which one is the real me. What 3 am thoght lol.
Whenever I had something I want to write I often forgot what it was. Am I getting old? I’ll try to recall what it was while wrote this. Guys, when I was a kid I often play house and pretend to be an adult. How cool they seems. Adult can do anything a kid can’t. However, as I grew up and reaching that age I think I’m getting lost.
When I was a kid I don’t know that being adult we’ll bear responsibility and such. Whatever we did are bound with it. Although both kiddos and adult got their own perks. I’m very grateful that I’ve been blessed with such warm and loving family. I’m blessed with tons of good people. I do complain here and there about mom but it’s because our personality didn’t match. On daily basis we’re still good.
I’m questioning myself tho, did every adult is pretend adult. Like, we do know and realize that as we’re age we gotta do this and that. We study, work, socialize and so on. Even so, deep down these pretend adult is a child in the heart. We like being spoiled, we like being pampered, and we like being loved. That’s what I assume people in general would feel. Still, there might be special case for everyone.
I’m still figuring out what kind of adult I’d be. Sometimes I miss being a child but then later I think I’m ok for growing up and age. Life is not easy peasy squishy lemon but I’m sure it won’t be all mountains over mountains. Less than a week we’ll got to another year. I wish for better day and life for you and me. Rise and shine ~
I start up thing blog to help improving my writing. Recently, I just keep dumping my troubles and stresses here. I feel like I just keep complaining. It’s annoying, I got annoyed at my own self. So, childish… Although, to justify it, I keep doing so because idk to whom I should talk. I do have friends that I put my trust to. However, it happened that she also has tons of things on her own plate. I don’t know it feels so unfair if I were to make her listen to all my rantings. On the other hands, I don’t know whether writing my thoughts here would help lessen my stress. It sure doesn’t help me solve the troubles. I do rants but I don’t think that it helps. Well, obviously ranting on your own and got no response and ranting to humans feel different.
I don’t think that compared to others my trouble is that heavy. Still, they are troubling me. Am I becoming complicated?
So, I couldn’t get sleep. Idk whether it’s insomnia or my human clock but I couldn’t sleep at night and will get sleepy on daylight. I don’t think it’s insomnia because I still got decent sleep time. My brain seems very productive at night and have tons of thought running. I often lay on my bed forcing my body to sleep at 1 am but fail on every attempt. I tried to drink coffee but it just makes me more sleepy. Lucky me, tea seems works better to make me stay awake.
One night, I had millions what ifs thingy running in my thoughts. I’m happy as I thought those nice what ifs scenario. It helps me lessen my stress. However, I don’t think that kind of habit is healthy for my mental. It makes me become a dreamer, make me more lazy and unmotivated to do things.
I’m not a lively person, I hardly communicate or telling my parents especially my mom of things in my mind. It’s because her response is so toxic that I’d rather shut up than telling her.
I might be a kid in adult body throwing tantrum.
I’m so happy. I’ve been blessed with good friends and good people. I’m so desperate with my thesis. I feel so blessed, they’ve been so supportive. I’d like to talk to my dad ’bout it. I think that I’ve been half-assing my college. However, I don’t know why these results are just … so … me
I’m going to give my all this week and get it down as soon as possible. Desperately, want to graduate ._.
I’m trying to lived up my blog. Also, I want to start writing bit by bit.
Yesterday, I’m so sensitive that I talked back to mom. But, idky I feel like I should try to tell what I had in mind with her. Although, I’m pretty pessimistic. Mom is very hard to deal. She wayyy wayyy more sensitive. She got stressed easily, doesn’t want to be in the wrong, and anxious all the time. As I said before these kind of personalities are hard to deal, for me.
Actually, if she willing to sit and listen to my reasoning without pointing out my flaws as I share my thought then doesn’t use her usual tone to mock(?) me we might have civilized talk. I don’t mind her telling me what I did wrong. Even so… using her usual tone makes me stressed out. I hardly get stressed out. Dad is way more calm than mom that’s why we hardly had arguments.
Now, I stressed out because I haven’t finished my thesis. I might gonna do something against my ideal. But I’m desperately want to graduate faster. That I could seek for job, make enough saving to move out from the house. I have nothing against living with my parents. However, I’m in the age that I want to have my own space.
I rarely got stressed. Then now… all things is just … being annoying …
Yesterday, I met up with my friends. We had a long deep talk. Mostly about our life. I’m so glad that I met them. Realy, idky compared to my junior high and senior high environment and atmosphere my college life is much better. I do still in touch with my friends from JHS n SHS but it’s more like … acquaintance …
Actually, I’m terrible at socializing. I really I am. I always on the mob side. You might not notice my presence. Also, I have attitude. I’m not really into group project at all. If I were to define myself I’ll say that I’m a lone wolf. I prefer small circle yet healthy rather than in big popular circle. The fewer people I met the less stressed I’ll be.
I hardly talk with anyone in my neighborhood. Call me arrogant, but most of them are not sharing the same logic as me. I’m an alien. The youngster took upon their parent’s upbringing that might be the reason why they are no different. I rarely met people who are rational enough.
So, when I went to college and met them, my college friends, I’m so grateful. Up till know except for my mother I’m ok communicating with my family. I often hold myself back when talking to mom. I know I sound bad here. But it’s the reality that I didn’t get along with mom. And not to be surprised people that have the same personality as my mom will not get along with me.
It’s understandable for parents to have expectation to their children. I ‘m ok with that thinking and I agree with that. Just that … I don’t like the way mom treat me differently. In a way, I often get annoyed when she being all angel when talk to her so called new son. She’s sooooo caring. While she talked to me and my sister we’ll always told that we’re disappointment. What the duck -_-
As I wrote this I feel bad tbh. I’m bad talking my own mom. Just that ytd my friends said that I’m the type who’s holding back if my parents scold me. It’s … not wrong … tho I do talk back if I were too emotional. Like today ._.
I wish I have long deep talk with my mom. I want her to treat me like the way she treats her new son. Because she often points out my fault, my flaws, and the bad things on me and my sister. She rarely does that to our brother. Why???? I don’t know?
I cried a little today…
It feels hurt …
I want to move out and live in my own home.